I just wanna sob

I feel so annoying all of the time.

*Tw//// mention of struggling with mental health and suicidal thoughts.*

I never post on here, or get on here for that matter hardly at all. As if it matters to anyone ha.

Lately I have been struggling with PMDD. I don’t even know how to put into words what it feels like to experience this, on top of my already bad mental health. This has been one of the darkest, most trying times I have experienced so far in my life. This has unleashed every ugly disgusting feeling I can feel. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel microscopic. I am on an anti depressant again. Doesn’t seem to help much, if at all. To be blunt this stuff makes me want to run away, to dissappear and leave everything and everyone behind. It makes me want to die. (Don’t worry I am NOT in crisis). I have managed to live with feeling like that most of my life, its just a lot more intense and frequent. I am lucky and I DO have a support system through this. Unfortunately that doesn’t help even though you think it would. PMDD is isolating. I don’t know anyone who knows what this is like. I am angry.

Angry isn’t even a strong enough word. I am tired. I am so so so tired of struggling to get through everyday. I was already struggling to get through everyday. Then this hit like a nuclear bomb. Like a slap in the face. I never experienced this until after I weaned my son. Every month I fight an internal war that no one can see. No one can truly understand, unless you have been through it. It’s so intense, as I said earlier, it is impossible to put into words. I am losing myself even before I found myself. I completely lost who I am to being a mother. As soon as my kids are entering more independent ages I was hopeful to feel like myself again, and find new hobbies or visit old hobbies I’ve given up. Then this. It’s uprooted and thrown away all the progress I’ve ever made with my mental health. It wipes away any progress I make between my episodes for a lack of a better word. Even when I am not symptomatic, I am miserable. Trying to find a solution to my problems, picking up the pieces I’ve made a mess of and by the time I do that. It’s that wonderful time where I suffer until I start my period.

Periods are so taboo and it is because of this that women have suffered in silence. We have sat back and kept our months shut because we get told we’re crazy that our periods turn us into a bitch a miserable person to be around.

Imagine feeling it.

Imagine feeling like you hate everyone.

Including your children that you’d die for. Your spouse, everyone and anyone you’d do anything for.

Pmdd is ruining me.

I wake up feeling gut punched, like the person I love the most has died. Over. And over. And over. I feel as if I am grieving, in a deep horrible mourning. But no one has died. I wake up full of dread. I am the one everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I AM THE TOXIC ONE. I know all of this.

With pmdd.. the symptoms, everything. I am out of control of my body. I am like a passenger while pmdd takes the wheel and wrecks the car. I am helpless. It’s so scary not having control of your thoughts and your words or your mind. To me, it sounds so silly saying “I have no control over what I do any say.” But I don’t.. it isnt an excuse, it isn’t something I say to get away from the repercussions of things I do or say. I have to live it and I have to live with it and the knowledge that this is turning me into a horrible person. I feel like a puppet. Like someone else is pulling the strings. But I am up in my brain screaming to stop screaming to quit. Screaming to feel anything other than a deep burning rage that overcomes me as these feelings take root inside of me. I am drowning.

I can’t afford to.

I have two children that need me. I have friends and family that love me. I have to get up and take care of my children. I don’t have any other choice.

It is hard to peel myself out of bed, off of the couch. It is hard to wade through the emotions, because it feels like I am walking through a never ending hurricane. It never stops. It never fucking stops. I am hopeless. I am so fucking lost. I can’t even see my OB until August to even discuss this with them. I have to discuss it with my regular doctor and unfortunately It’s only recently been classified as a mental illness. There is so much they don’t know about PMDD and the causes. There’s no cure. There’s only managing the symptoms but that in itself is trial and error. What meds do work what ones don’t. Some people find relief with one thing and others, that same thing makes their symptoms worse.

I dont expect a soul to read this, so if you did thank you. If you did spread awareness. If you did keep an eye out on your friends who deal with menstruation.

Even what I have written doesn’t convey what I feel. There’s so much more. April is PMDD awareness month and since the month is ending soon I want to raise more awareness. To vent, and so that someone lost and scared can know they are not alone.

Yall

This is probably the most depressed I’ve been in a long time… it never gets any easier when it hits. I’ll be 28 years old thos year, and I am still left speechless at how painful depression is. How it sucks the life out of you. Out of everything. Why? Will I ever stop wondering why me? That’s such a pitiful thing to wonder. But truly, why do I have to feel this way. I am a mother I have children that depend on me but I am empty. I give everything I have to them. All of it. Because I dont have anything of me left. I’ve been a Mom for 5 years and I’ve lost myself. I do the same thing. Every single day. I know most people do and it isn’t a big deal ect. I know pretty much no one will even read this. This is my safe place where just about no one knows me and I can just vent and get all the ugly in my head out. I struggle so much with the world around me and understanding why humans are so fucking shitty. I don’t get it. So much in my head feels off lately.